Week 2 Story: "An Old Friend"

From my dwelling, I watched the world through moving blue glass, scattering light from the rising sun along the surface. The water of the lake rippled even now as a soft breeze caressed it. From my dwelling, I watched fish dart back and forth, eager to swim in the morning.
It was to be a peaceful day.
The forest surrounding my lake was vast, and I could hear the muffled sounds and cries of nature's wake. A quick silhouette above signaled to me that a bird was flying over, perhaps a mother out for the day to catch food for her little ones. The clumsy rustling of bushes at the water's edge told me there was another creature ambling about. Of all the glorious mysteries that nature had to offer in this forest, I would argue that my lake was one of the best.
It was a water garden.
Water lilies sat prettily with lily pads that littered the lake's waters. Among them sat several beautiful lotuses, of white and of blue. They were in full bloom in the early morning sun, their petals opened as if yawning. I had always been fonder of the white ones, for they caught man's attention best, and so fed my insatiable hunger for flesh. After all, I had seen my last meal only yesterday.
It was a young boy.
Friends who he had boasted to had come to watch him gather the lake's flowers. They urged him to pick the loveliest ones. He, of course, reached for the largest white blossom at the center of the lake, and so had to swim to where he could no longer touch the bottom. Before him, a woman had come to pick the flowers for her hair. Before her, a dog had smelt the sweet scent of the lotus blossoms, and had dived in believing them to be succulent fruit. Before it, a child had wandered near to the edge, mesmerised by his own reflection. I devoured them all. Through thousands of years, I never grew tired of this existence. The flowers of the lake were the greatest deceit of who, of what, lay beneath.
It was only one who had not been deceived.
He had come from the mountain ranges far from my lake, and had used the qualities of three to best his wicked father's intent. After his triumph and cunning, he had earned my respect. For that I had returned with him, bringing the flowers he had been able to pick. I watched him settle into his reign as the monkey king. But that was a long time ago, perhaps a few centuries now. There had never been another like him. Sensing there was no one approaching today, I too settled deeper into my dwelling.
It was to be a peaceful day.
Suddenly, I jolted awake from my unintended slumber. There was someone nearby. Grinding my teeth back and forth at the prospect of another meal for the second day in a row, I waited. To my greatest surprise, nothing but a shadow danced across the water's surface. Back and forth, this man jumped across my lake, plucking the lilies and lotuses without even brushing the water.
It was only one who had done so before.
I parted the waters around me and breached the surface. There a man stood with the ghost of a smile on his human face. Only one had picked flowers from my lake. Only one had the qualities of three. Only one had humbled an ogre, and earned the respect of such a water demon.
"Hello, old friend."

Image credits
White Lotus Flower. SourceFlickr
Shadow on the water, "An old friend comes to visit". SourcePixabay

Bibliography
"The Monkey who Gathered Lotuses", translated by Robert Chambers from Tayodhamma Jataka in The Jataka: Volume 1. Source: Jataka Anthology.

Author's note: I wanted to use a different perspective when retelling a story based on "The Monkey who Gathered Lotuses", so I decided to tell it from the ogre's point of view. I focused mostly on what his life would have been like as a water demon who devoured all who came to pick the flowers of his lake. I imagined this retelling as taking place many many years after the original story. I also wanted to incorporate the idea of the many different reincarnations of the Buddha as well, because reincarnation is a topic I am really interested in learning and writing more about.

Comments

  1. Wow, you did a great job with this story! I especially loved how detailed you made it. Details are very helpful especially in story telling because it gives the readers a more accurate depiction of what is happening in the scene. It was also a unique perspective from the original story. I was not creative enough when doing mine to add to the original story with my own twist. I just edited the story with new characters from another world. It was beautifully told and the ending was simple yet complete and elegant.

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  2. This was a really unique storytelling of "The Monkey Who Gathered Lotuses", it actually took me quite a while to figure out which story you were retelling. This story had such an unexpected perspective and was genuinely enjoyable to read. A few critiques were that since there were no names used (which I liked because it gave the story a sense of mystery), it was a little confusing to follow in some areas. Also, in the title, one of the quotation marks is facing the wrong way. All in all, I really liked it.

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  3. Wow! I loved the picture you were able to paint with your words. Every line built off the line before giving me a vivid image of what you were describing. I thought your word choice was great! You also did a good job of building suspense, especially when you began to write about the characters love of flesh. I didn't know what was going and then the character said he ate a young boy. This story had a daunting mood that I really enjoyed.

    I think if I was to read this story without reading the original, I would have been very confused on who the old friend was and how he appeared differently every time the ogre saw him. Giving an extra hint or revealing that the old friend is Buddha might give the reader that "Aha!" moment unless the goal was keep it a mystery. Either way, the story is really good.

    One small adjustment to the sentence about the dog might make the sentence more effective. I think if you wrote "smelled" instead of "had smelt" and "dove" or "dived" instead of "had dived" the sentence might be a little easier to read.

    Overall, this was a great story with a brilliant twist! I enjoyed reading it.


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  4. Your use of language is so captivating! I was drawn in by your use of imagery, specifically. It did leave me with a lot of questions, though. What are the qualities of three? They are obviously super important to the water demon, but we are never told what they are. Also, how did those qualities let the monkey king best the water demon? What was his father's wicked intent and how did gathering the lilies best it? What if you just dropped those bits, and focused on the interaction of the water demon and the monkey king? Another point of confusion, for me at least, is the ogre. Is the water demon also an ogre? Or is that a reference to another event outside of this story. One thing to keep in mind is your reader's knowledge base. In general, making references to other works adds depth for those who have read those other stories, but you have to be careful that those references are supported enough in the story that it still flows for someone who hasn't read the other stories.

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  5. One thing really caught me by surprise and made have a double take. For a few paragraphs, everything was going so nice peaceful where the ogre was describing the lake and how beautiful all the nature was. Then, we just immediately switch to, "so fed my insatiable hunger for flesh." That quick switch to a monster was jarring for me but was a nice element. Why did the ogre return to the lake after watching the monkey king take the throne? I am sure that living with a king would have a lot of perks and an ogre would want to use them. With where the story stops I also have questions with how the rest of this encounter is going to go. Are they just going to nod at each other and then the monkey grabs the lotuses? Maybe the ogre could really be extremely upset that they were bested before and find that this could be an opportunity to get back at the monkey. Of course that probably wouldn't work out well for the ogre.

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